Rare, you frisky vixen. You swooped down in the late 1980s with your R.C. Pro-Ams, your Wizards & Warriors, and your Solar Jetmen. You endeared us with your Banjo-Kazooies, your Killer Instincts, and your Battletoads. And then you joined up with that Microsoft fellow down the road, and you gave us your Kameos, your Viva Piñata, and, dare we remember it, your Kinect Sports. We don't know what to say about you, Rare. You give with one hand, and then slap us in the rear with the other. But you weren't always so devious, Rare. You brought us many of our most beloved childhood memories in gaming. You reinvented Donkey Kong and gave him a tie. You put a flimsy pistol in our hand and sent us out against the GoldenEye satellite. You made a squirrel so vulgar, it would make our mothers weep. And you made us very happy.
You also gave us Cobra Triangle. We're not as thankful.
They ought to revoke your boating license!
Okay, let me lay it on you: you're a boat. Yup, that's it. There's no actual story or specified reason to be here in the first place. Oh, but not just any boat: you're a Cobra Class Speed Boat! That's right: we're not dealing with some useless Rattlesnake Class vessel. This is Cobra Class. Boats don't get much better than that. I don't actually see anyone driving the boat, however, so it's safe to assume that this must be some sort of magical haunted boat, consumed by the spirit of a boatswain lost at sea. But this boat also has a mounted gun on the front that can be upgraded by collecting special pods, so it's a Cobra Class Annihilation Boat now. You're on your way to success, my friend.
Or are you? The Cobra Class Speed Boat has to face 25 different stages, each with their own challenges ranging anywhere from something simple like racing from one end of the water track to the other or just jetting forward to collect pods while cruising along slick ramps, to crazier stuff like guarding people who are under siege from enemy boats and jumping across waterfalls. Every fifth stage pits you against a giant boss, one of which is indeed that menacing dragon you see on the cover. The box art matches the game! What a rarity.
Here's my problem: this game is way too difficult. It's not for the casual player. In fact, I'm not sure who it's for, aside from motorboat enthusiasts. Controlling the boat itself is a nightmare. Going forward in one direction isn't an issue, but having to make swift, precise turns or avoid immediate dangers won't be an easy task. With a time limit in place as well, you're under even more stress. I was wondering if maybe the instruction manual would be able to help me better understand how to play. Here's what they recommend:
...or how about just better controls? The NES controller isn't really suitable for 360° precision. Nintendo never planned for you to be able to sufficiently maneuver a boat while avoiding giant dragons, destroying mines, and shooting targets while auto-scrolling down a mighty river. An analog stick could have been a blessing. Cobra Triangle belongs on a Colecovision. But skill is not enough to save your sorry hide from being swallowed whole by the briny deep; you'd better hope that luck is on your side to get through all of the grueling stages of Cobra Triangle. The game is difficult not because I am a terrible player, but because it cannot be played particularly well. So thank you, person who wrote the instruction manual, for that enlightening nugget of advice. Then again, the actual "instruction" part of the booklet is only seven pages long, so I should not have expected to extract any worthwhile wisdom out of it.
Not everything is unnerving, however. Look at all those isometric graphics. Aren't they pretty? For an NES game from the late 1980s, the game actually looks pretty good, especially from that angle (something they tried again with Snake Rattle 'n Roll, also for NES). Your environments aren't particularly detailed, but when you're speeding through them and never looking back, that's not really a significant problem. The music is funky and a tad energizing, too. I like the title screen; when you press Start as it tells you to, a special jingle plays that makes you want to dive right into the action.
Unfortunately, nice graphics and sound do not necessarily develop into a great game experience. In fact, I think Cobra Triangle is pretty awful. The first few levels may lure you into a false sense of security where you truly believe that this game shall shower you with figurative liquid jubilance, but once you get deeper into the game, you'll learn the ugly truth: like the sea serpent on the cover, Cobra Triangle will chew you up like bacon croquettes at a dinner party. Rare has made some great games in the past, but this wasn't among them.
