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The Frogurt Conundrum

// reviews by Jeff

FroYo Bar

After an advertisement for "Nine Lives", what looks to be a terrible movie about Kevin Spacey having his soul stuck inside a cat thanks to the magic of Christopher Walken, I was able to start playing the mighty "FroYo Bar"! Huzzah?

So the basic premise of FroYo Bar is very simple and, if you can read the title of the game, is that you are the proud, well-coiffed owner of a beachside frozen yogurt stand. No, it's not actually a frogurt bar, which is fairly disappointing, but at least you have all the necessary components of a respectable local portable frozen yogurt establishment. Basically, people come up to you and give you a set of directions on exactly what they want in their order, and it's your job to prepare it. Nothing too complicated, right?

Well, if you've ever worked at a frogurt dispensary before, you know there's more to it than simply wrinkling your nose and having a magically delicious cup of cooldown sunshine appear in front of you. First, you have to select the type of yogurt you want and squirt that out, then mix in the appropriate flavour of fruit or other tasty suggestion. It then needs to be blended together for the amount of time that the customer suggests (because apparently, total strangers off the street know better the proper blending time of frozen yogurt than someone who actually works in the industry). Next, you need to select the cup size the customer desired... which would have been better suited at the BEGINNING of the order, considering that affects how much frogurt you'll need to churn!

And, of course, there are all the necessary toppings. People sure love to drizzle chocolate sauce on there to fatten themselves up, probably to avoid the draft. But there are others, including delicious rotund sprinkles and a single giant chocolate-covered pretzel that you just plop on top. Can't crush those things up — you MUST drop a whole one so that customers can choke on the spot. Real classy, Frogurt Man. Or Frogurt Woman, if you decide to make your character female. As you progress through the game and earn the beloved respect of your frogurt fanbase, you'll earn additional toppings and flavours. Just unlocking blueberries alone gave me an explosive internal feeling. Or maybe that was the breakfast burrito I ate yesterday...

But, like many "prep-a-food" games (a term which I have just coined and from which I will soon distance myself), it's all about speed. You have to take and prep orders fast, or you'll find yourself being the talk of the town... and not in a positive way. Plus, if you're a terrible server, you won't get those additional Euros (yes, customers pay in Euros), thus decreasing your overall profit margin. As the days go by, provided you don't stink at your job, you'll get more and more orders, just making this a frantic effort that never ACTUALLY earns you anything except stress, anxiety, and potentially moistened clothing. Games like this appeal to a certain demographic, but most will probably snub it and head back to their dungeon full of hidden object games. And this one, being as simple as it gets (many games of this nature also inject Match-3 elements into them), isn't all that appealing anyhow.

Should you play it? (NO)

You can play this game by clicking here.


Homemade Frozen Yogurt

In keeping with the theme of frogurt, I've found another frozen yogurt-based Flash game, cleverly entitled "Homemade Frozen Yogurt". The object of this one is to, clearly, make your own frogurt in someone's home, presumably not yours. The cute girl on the title screen is quite inviting and makes me want to bite into a frozen treat, wishing I'd used my Sensodyne that day. There's only one problem: this Flash game is one giant glitch. The first step is to pour a pitcher of milk into a stainless steel bowl. That sounds easy. I pour the milk... uh, and then what? AND THEN WHAT?!?! There is NOTHING I can click on after this to get to the next step. A flashing icon at the top indicates to "please use" the milk, even though I already did it. What, am I supposed to wait for the next Ice Age so this dairy can freeze into frozen yogurt? I restart the game, try it again, and get the same result! 0/10 as a homemade frozen yogurt simulator; 10/10 as a milk pouring simulator. The only way to get much further in this game is to right-click and click "Forward" to get to the next slide. The game still flashes that "Please Use" square over the milk icon, but I'm going to ignore that and whisk this puppy like crazy. For some reason, stink lines are appearing out of the milk bowl. And now, I can't use any of the items for some reason. There's an electric mixer, a bunch of butter pads, and a few shakers of mysterious white grains. Who uses butter in frozen yogurt? Who adds salt? Who is this girl? Why does nothing work? When do I get my frogurt? To slightly offset the fact that a nonchalant bull dropped this, there's happy flute music in the background, but there are two major issues with it: it's a sixteen-second loop that is already repetitive, and the music loops at an awkward place where the song cuts itself off mid-bar and restarts. You can tell this was a AAA-title, a multi-million dollar project. Just look at that eyeball art. Should you play it? ...I don't think you CAN.

You can play this game by clicking here.


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