It's very difficult to write about a video game that isn't actually a video game. Wikipedia classifies Taboo: The Sixth Sense as a "non-game"; I am obliged to do the same. But really, it's hard to describe this game other than the fact that it is a tarot card reader that is quite similar to a real fortune teller, mainly because they both are phony and are quite good at collecting your money without giving you much in return. But instead of just blindly talking about the game, watch carefully as I traverse the entire game in one fell swoop.

	The first thing this so-called game asks me is whether or not I dare to take a glimpse into my future. Well, considering that every poor sucker probably shelled out about sixty bucks for this disappointing cartridge, they were already interested in looking into the future. They were likely also pissed, and expect a pedicure afterwards. Dare I even ask... TABOO: THE TIME MACHINE ON NINTENDO? I had no idea that the NES boasted such spatial powers. There must be some magic in that diminuitive CPU.
	I was asked to input my name and birthdate. The first annoying thing I noticed was that there is no capitalization here. I hate being known as "jeff" because it feels grammatically incorrect. However, later on, you'll find out that grammar is not of much importance in this game. The input screen is alright; there really isn't much of a better way to type in your name and birthdate besides that long list of letters at the bottom anyhow. I also made a sad discovery: you can't select "No, thanks." when you input your sex. How disappointing.
	After inputting all that extra malarky, it's time to ask a dire question that simply must be answered. You might ask whether you will find true love in your life, or whether you will prosper financially, or whether you have a life-threatening illness. I chose to ask whether this game would get better. My query was soon responded to in a blunt fashion: not really.
	A deck of tarot cards sorts itself while the dealer takes massive hits of LSD and ecstacy and ends up in a wild, pixelated trance-like state. No, I didn't mean California.
	The first card that emerges contains the Knight of Cups. Besides being a knight in what appears to be one of the least enticing kingdoms imaginable, his duty is not to protect any damsels in distress, but to deal cards for me. He must have accidentally had intercourse with the queen or something.
	Then they sort themselves out into a sporadic pattern and I get to flip them over. No, wait, the game does it for me. Actually, the game does pretty much everything for me, except for button presses to show that I have finished reading the information on each tarot card. How non-interactive.
	Well, whaddya know! The first card flipped is actually the aforementioned queen! (I didn't plan that.) She's also the "significator", whatever that means. But here is where I start to lose all comprehension of what's going on. Apparently, this card is reversed. So, I'm looking at the backside of a card? Wouldn't I be looking at the insignia of a popular tarot card manufacturer? Anyway, my current situation is "unreliable person, untrustworthy". I had no idea that "situation" was synonymous with a person. Or perhaps I am just an unreliable goon. I hope that's not true... Let's hope the next card brings me better fortune.
	I rolled a crossing card: the three of coins. I think the game forgot whether it was a tarot-reading service or a game of Super Mario Bros. This card is also revesed, so I'm reading the backside now. The tarot cards are telling me that my immediate influences are "sloppy and unreliable worker, money problems". After spending sixty bucks on a stained game like "Taboo: The Sixth Sense", you bet I have money problems. But I don't think any of my co-workers have anything to do with determining whether this game will improve or not. Perhaps it was a sloppy and unreliable worker who prepared this game!
	Oh! Oh! Something's crowning! We've moved on from tarot reading to the delivery room! ...oh, wait, I think they mean crowning as in royalty. Well, that's much easier on the eyes. The queen of coins says that my short-term goals and destiny are influenced by security and freedom. Do you mean the freedom to walk away from this game, and the security of knowing I never have to come back and do so again?
	But the "base of the matter" is clear: everything I hate about this game stems from my feelings of loneliness, separation, and abandonment. I hate this game because of the time I was left alone in the woods when I was nine years old, and had to fend off some wild animals and gather berries in order to survive. I ate a pine cone. (Everything about that story is true, except for everything.) Yeah, loneliness has nothing to do with an awful game. Tell me why you are awful, as well as whether or not you plan on improving. And if you're not going to get any better, do you promise to give yourself a timely abortion? Ew, that was unpleasant. I apologize.
	Let me see if I read this correctly: "Previous influences exerting pressure are the outcome of any dispute will be fair or favorable." I don't know what that means, but I think it has something to do with having bad gas.
	According to the five of staffs, I have an upcoming conflict or obstacle approaching. I suppose keeping my focus on a terrible video game counts. ...Why exactly are there so many influences, but nothing particularly concrete in this deck? Something tells me this is one of those trick decks I hear so much about. Can you say "rigged"?
	Next is the determination of where I find myself, courtesy of the high priestess. She proclaims that... um... that... hmmm... alright, I haven't been paying attention to a word she has been saying because I've been focused on the fact that her giant breasts are sticking out! I don't know where Nintendo's censorship committee was the day that Taboo whooshed through their offices, but they certainly missed out on an opportunity to take out something that adults might enjoy. Well, perhaps there's hope for this game after all. ...No, not even pixeled mammaries will save this heaping pile of boredom. Thankfully, I'm almost done finding out the answer to my question.
	A talking stick tells me that my sense of authority is affecting others. Well, I know that I have very little authority over the people at my workplace, so I don't know where that nonsense is coming from. But I'll say this much: perhaps a promotion is coming my way soon, and this is a foreshadowing of events! Now bring back that Queen of Coins to discuss a pay raise!
	Before I seek the final word, I must meet with the mighty empress atop her enormous cheese throne. She will give me serenity. And what she believes is... basically, that I get pleasure from putting my foot in women. I did not see that coming. Well, now that we have tapped into my inner psyche and extracted a secret fetish that anyone can enjoy, I can finally feel some peace of mind.
	Last but not least, I must chat with a wagon wheel. How fun. Oh, wait, it's the Wheel of Fortune. I thought I saw Pat Sajak in the distance... Anyway, "the culmination of the events revealed before, will be approaching the end of a problem, or situation". In other words, I'm screwed, aren't I? Sadly, the game indeed did not get any better, and it also did not tell me that it would get better. I feel as though I did not get my money's worth.
	But wait, there's more! Apparently, this game will also provide me with the fortune numbers I need to win the lottery! I can't fail! I'll just select my state ("ON" is short for which state? Okay, maybe they included a few cool Canadian provinces in here, just for me) and all the extra info...
	...and a supposedly random selection of numbers appear. Well, I guess I'd better go get those lottery tickets now. Oh, but not before finishing this review!

So there you have it. It's cryptic, it's dark, and it didn't tell me a damn thing. Well, I suppose that's a lie, because my question was indeed answered. This game is not much fun at all, and never got any better past the title screen. Don't waste much time on this, unless you are heavily medicated and want a five-minute freakout.