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RELEASE DATE (NA): 1997 GENRE: Mini-Game Compilation
// review by SoyBomb

Put clothes on me!

My laptop is WAY too new for this game. After starting it up and choosing "YES" when a pop-up window asked if I wanted to play the game or not (which is ridiculous -- I double-clicked your executable file, now let me get my senshi on!), my screen went a bit haywire, altering its palette to match that of computer monitors from 1997. Staring at my screen, it was as if I had taken some strange hallucinogenic drugs that clearly were malfunctioning and causing my eyeballs to acidify. I could tell that an FMV intro was playing featuring those playful Sailor Senshi, and its colour scheme appeared mildly accurate, but I knew I was going to have a hell of a time playing this on a computer made within the past decade. So, just a warning to all: The 3D Adventures of Sailor Moon is not really that compatible with Windows 7. I can't speak for older operating systems, although it's been known to work much better with Windows XP and older, with the exception of Windows 2000, because it's just that superior.

Unlike most other Sailor Moon games, this one doesn't fit in with the "save the world from evil" quest-influenced adventure, 3D Adventures is a mini-game compilation, most of which have nothing to due with the franchise's plotline. Upon your arrival to whatever strange space station they're standing in, you get your choice of six mini-games, and it soon becomes obvious that this is a game designed for girls. You can visit the Galactic Moon Library and check out some background information about the main Sailor Senshi, plus a couple of extra characters (Tuxedo Mask, Chibi Moon); wouldn't you know it: the first mini-game isn't even a game at all. It's just an activity to promote literacy amongst young Sailor Moon fans. Another game gives you a nine-panel mixed-up puzzle where you have to switch around pieces until you reveal a Sailor Moon-related photo. It's pretty easy; a five-year-old could successfully do it. I did it.

My computer only got me this far before it stopped taking coherent screenshots.

The other "games" and associated "fun" don't stop here! Be prepared to engage in a sing-along session where you can chant along with subtitles and a bunch of dancing Sailor Senshi to the Sailor Moon theme song. Can you feel your inner Aguilera coming out yet? If the answer is yes, get out the plunger and stuff her back down there. Maybe you'd rather just watch videos of Sailor Moon & Co. in action, courtesy of the Moon Castle TV Show "game". ...Okay, seriously, only one out of the four so far can be classified as a game. The rest are dry excuses for basic entertainment, and it's making me sad. Surely, there must be something to, you know, play.

Luckily, there's the Crystal Fighting Arena, a kind of first-person shooter where you, holding a moon scepter, attack a series of targets on a mysterious red field. The reason for this is unclear, but I imagine it's to rid the arid landscape of Queen Beryl's evil minions. Or it could be a means of destroying litter so nobody has to pick it up. I don't know. I'm not an expert. I don't even know where this mini-game takes place. What I DO know is that it's pretty much the only "game" here. The last one is actually the Fashion Salon, where you can dress up Sailor Moon in a few different articles of clothing (or her hero's outfit). When you're happy with her new look, you can parade her around in it briefly. This stinks. Free Flash games are better than this. Try if you want more fun.

The 3D Adventures of Sailor Moon is practically an insult to the franchise, as it detracts from their heroic abilities and focuses more on them being female. Leave it to an American company to screw up a beloved Japanese series and girlify it to the extreme. Even the 3D movies included with the game are cheesy. You can buy this game on Amazon for as long as $2.86, last time I checked. That sounds about right.

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