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CONSOLE: Nintendo Switch DEVELOPER: TREVA Entertainment PUBLISHER: TREVA Entertainment
RELEASE DATE (NA): November 22, 2018 GENRE: Platformer
// review by EscapeRouteBritish

Just who are you trying to panda to?

I was going to take this seriously and construct a decently-sized one thousand word review for Panda Hero, but I just can't. Take a long look at the screenshots. This is a shoddily made mobile phone game using a development template, and I assume it's the Unity engine given the number of these you see chundered unto the Google Play Store on a daily basis.

If this were only a mobile phone game, that would be egregious, yes, but commonplace. Instead, however, this is a mobile phone game ported to the Nintendo Switch. I could again accept this as a disgusting reality if this were a digital only title, but no. This had a physical boxed cartridge release in Germany. This abysmal Super Mario Bros. knock-off was slapped with the Nintendo Seal of Quality...

Shake it like a Panda Bear.

This is so damned abysmal that its very existence is proof that there is either no God, or that there is one but who seeks to punish us with neverending wrath. Yes, indeed, Panda Hero proves that we are but prisoners already in our afterlife, this indeed is Hell, and we are all suffering.

There is intelligent life in our galaxy, and what makes it intelligent is that it knows we are not worth getting in contact with. We wouldn't even taste nice to them, we are but oxygen-breathing death creatures that shamble as corpses, glued to our electronic devices tapping the screen for our state-sanctioned dopamine hit.

We are spiralling through the endless void of despair, staring at ourselves reflected in the mirror glare of our screens lit by faint blue light at 6 a.m., shambling to our work guzzling down coffee and toiling all day — to still be unable to afford anything other than to pay our bills. Meanwhile, creatures of the darkness forged by a Lovecraftian undersea sentinel have engineered these soulless and insulting examples of pure disrespect. But not only that, they manage to sell them boxed on store shelves.

They put more effort into the box art than ever went into the game itself. I put more effort into writing this review than was ever spent in the creation of Panda Hero. Boo! Hiss! Bamboo!

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