This is Random.access, where we do our best not to follow any specific schedule, to latch on to any trend, or to keep up with what's new and hip. In fact, we try our darndest to simply post random things, including game reviews, in a manner so that you do not suspect what is coming next. We're a rich, creamy blend of extremely popular items and obscurities from the darkest nooks of the planet, and we're pleased about it. Nothing illustrates this more than this review of Magma Project: Hacker, a game released only in Japan for the Famicom Disk System, a Famicom (NES for we overseas folk) add-on that required the use of floppy disks and never saw the light of day outside of Japan. Have you ever heard of it? I highly doubt it. And it's entirely in Japanese, so even I'm going to have some trouble with it. So how, asketh you, the discerning reader, am I going to review this when I'm buried up to the brims of my knickers in nothing but menu commands that look like this?
The answer is that I'm probably going to do a very poor job of it. But don't write me off as a boorish reviewer just yet! I'm going to do my best to navigate this game, even if it kills me! Oh -- I feel a heart attack coming on already! Ohhh! ...Nope, just a chicken nugget stuck in the esophagus. Never mind. Alright, let's get going.
Little is known about Magma Project: Hacker if you do a basic Internet search. The best information I can find is that it is an RPG whose source material is the PC game, Hacker, from 1985, as published by Activision. You star as a cybernetic defender whose goal is to uncover a conspiracy by grilling the townsfolk for information (and possibly dent a few heads with his powerful fist of magnesium). This storyline really isn't even close to that of Activision's Hacker; that game involves you specifically hacking into the Magma Ltd. computer network. Then again, should I expect an in-depth plot from an early Nintendo game? I think not.
Ehhh... uhhh... Aitemu! AITEMUUUU!!!!
I mentioned that the language barrier could cause a bit of a problem for non-Japanese speakers such as myself. And I was right: without a working knowledge of the language, you'll be quite lost. However, thanks to online Japanese alphabet lists, I was able to get a bit of a grasp on what I was doing. The actions menu that comes up consists of four possibilities: hanasu (speak), shiraberu (check, look), toru (take), and aitemu (item). Look at that; I'm a regular 世俗的紳士! So Magma Project: Hacker has a bit of the ol' Dragon Warrior spirit in it. You go around a very bright town and talk to various sketchy bug-eyed citizens (and random androids, it seems). The first area isn't all peaches and cream. There are so many houses in the neighbourhood you're visiting, but most of them are empty, so why even bother programming that many? And talking to everyone didn't get me any farther along in the game. In fact, that's about as far as I got before I realized that this is boring and that I would rather snack on whipped topping.
But things only go downhill. After all, Magma Project: Hacker looks basic in design. It's about as visually stimulating as a worn-out Etch-A-Sketch, just more searing to the eyes. For some reason, when I make my character move around the city, its arms and legs don't move. How demotivating is it to have a static image shuffle around the playing field? And the music couldn't be more repetitive, high-pitched, and grating on the ears. My head doesn't like this game or want me to play it.
I tried. I really did. But even if I fully understand the text, it's just so poorly presented that I wouldn't want to continue anyhow. Maybe there's a reason barely anyone knows about this game; it's not fun. Maybe there's something deeper and more worthwhile hidden in the heart of the adventure, but it makes a noxious first impression. Magma Project: Hacker should be thrown in magma! ...and then... hacked to pieces... and... yes, both of those things.
