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CONSOLE: Nintendo 3DS DEVELOPER: Teyon PUBLISHER: Teyon
RELEASE DATE (NA): May 3, 2012 GENRE: Action
// review by SoyBomb

Not so much mania, far more mundania.

With a pocketful of pence, SoyBomb peered into the electronic shop. "Let's see... what can I buy for $1.99? Maybe a king-sized chocolate bar or a delicious eskimo pie. Perhaps a litre and a half of gas! What about a small coffee at Starbucks? ...Mmmm, probably won't be able to get a thimble's worth there. Ah! I know! What about Bird Mania 3D from the Nintendo eShop? Yes, that will do quite nicely! I shall partake!"

And so, the young SoyBomb opened both his heart and his wallet and made the delightful purchase of one "Bird Mania 3D" for his flame red 3DS system. And marvelous colours overwhelmed him as his beloved toy revealed his newfound treasure. "What joy! What spectacular glee this surely shall be for me!" he exclaimed, happily.

But, as those familiar with fairy tales are aware, things are not always as they seem. Sunny days can easily transform into vicious onyx thunderstorms in a matter of seconds. This was the case with Bird Mania 3D: once a beauty, suddenly a beast. Little SoyBomb tapped the Start button with his stylus, just as a mighty jouster would plunge forth with his lance, and his journey began immediately, without even the slightest of warning. He became a bird, soaring majestically through the tropics, untouched by worry. And he flew forward, always forward.

This concerned SoyBomb greatly. "Is this all my bird can do? Simply flying to the right does not sprinkle excitement into my world," he pondered, his palms moistening a tad. "Surely there must be more! My quest cannot be so simple!" But the bird had other plans: he would seek the stars! He would collect bunches and rows of stars as they crossed his path. And the bird's thirst for stars could never be fully quenched! And he continued on, in search of stars, flying endlessly. But this was not enough: balloons also needed to be popped in order to satisfy this avian of three-dimensional lore! Stars and balloons were the bird's sole penchant. "Is this all my bird can do, collect stars and pop balloons? Surely there must be more!" shouted SoyBomb in a perplexed stupor.

And things began to change slightly as SoyBomb learned that the bird had enemies, mostly other birds and trees, for reasons unknown. They despised this carefree one and wished his early demise, ensuring they would appear at inopportune times in an attempt to remove the bird from the sky. Yet a simple swoop would help to avoid their spite. Young SoyBomb scratched his head in confusion. "This cannot be right. Surely there must be more! Perhaps the second level shall be different."

But it was not. And, to make matters worse, there was no "second level". There was only one, and it stretched continuously until the bird finally struck an obstacle and perished. Afterwards, the youthful player would receive a high score based on his distance flown and number of stars attained. He could obtain in-game Achievements as well, requiring feats that would truly test his meddle, but there was no drive to do so, given the tedium facing him. And that would indeed be all. Surely there would be no more. "I am disillusioned, truly!" he cried in disbelief.

SoyBomb delivered a depressed sigh. But wait! Is not Bird Mania 3D available in, as it was so written, 3D? Indeed, it was, and the effect did illuminate the fire of delectation within for a short period of time. But it could not adequately distract him from the quest in its raw, undigestible, and painfully brief form. SoyBomb was sad. He could have used his $1.99 for that king-sized chocolate bar and had more entertainment value. And he lay his head upon his pillow that night, vowing to be more careful in the future with his earnings from fallen teeth under his pillow.


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