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CONSOLE: Game Boy Advance DEVELOPER: Mass Media PUBLISHER: Crave Entertainment
RELEASE DATE (NA): October 30, 2005 GENRE: Action/Trivia
// review by FlagrantWeeaboo

Sacrilege in plastic.

I regret not paying attention in Sunday School, because maybe I'd have some idea what the frick is going on here. The Bible Game is a video game that focuses on the story of two impressionable youths who have to put on the armor of God (wait, that's a thing!?) in order to defeat the deceivers who, according to the game, are "liars who cause us to make mistakes". Can we assume then that deceivers are responsible the creation of this game, for it is indeed a mistake so magnificent it calls to question the existence of an omnibenevolent God?

Don't fret, these two unnamed and stereotypical hip-youths are ready to squash the "herra-ticks" (yes, that's really what they're called), find the keys to the churches, and collect the armor of God. Navigating through large stages from a bird's eye view, you have to defeat deceivers in order to collect keys. But how does one defeat a deceiver? Bible quiz! Better brush up on those Sodoms and Gomorrahs!

You can't make a game that is supposed to be fun and then just slap bible verses into the game because it kills the flow. Haven't you learned anything from Wisdom Tree's multiple failures? I could imagine this crappy game gathering dust in the backroom of a Christian Bookshop, next to Guitar Praise and P.O.D. albums.

Give me all of the wine, I need to forget this...!

I still can't believe this was actually licensed by Nintendo, because I remember back in the "good old days" they wouldn't touch a single thing that so much as breathed any religious context. Church? No, it's a Sanctuary!

I thought the Bible taught us cheating was wrong, so why does the game have a cheat password that makes you invincible? Whatever, at least the game is playable with that toggled on. All I have to do is collect the parts of the keys, get to the church, get a piece of the armor, rinse, repeat, for seven large, unyielding stages of tedium.

And for what pay-off? The pre-rendered 3D devil sprite falls into the pit of lava, and that's it. Back to the title screen. Bugger off, I'd rather be a sinner if being a saint means I have to play this piece of trash again. You see this is why I fell from God's grace, because at least Satan's games don't suck.

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