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RELEASE DATE (NA): May 30, 2015 GENRE: ...Tapping?
// review by EscapeRouteBritish

One day I gonna get married to mai waifu...

Imagine being married to ten billion wives, wow, all that nagging and moaning. That's like, polygamy or something . At least I'll get a moment's quiet while soaps are on. Luckily the game, 10 Billion Wives, allows us to experience life with literally thousands upon thousands of women longing to be with you, and without the mother-in-laws! What could be sweeter? Kendal Mint Cake. Kendal Mint Cake and 10 Billion Wives. Covered in maple syrup.

If you're familiar with "cow clicker", then great. If not, I shall take a long time explain. This is what is referred to as an "incremental game", a game that will eventually beat itself but it can be sped up with user input or microtransactions. The game encourages you to pay money or share the game on social platforms to unlock items and gain currency or upgrades, but it IS beatable without resorting to them.

My opinion on microtransactions is well documented, but despite this, 10 Billion Wives manages to utilize them in a way less obtrusive than Frozen Free Fall. Upgrades can still be earned quickly without paying for shortcuts and this also tricks you into thinking the game is rewarding. It isn't, of course, because all you are doing is TAPPING THE SCREEN.

You have a bunch of wife types to unlock: soldier wife, zombie wife (one man's corpse is another man's, well, you know) and shy wife to name but a few. Each wife comes with their own upgrades. Having wives increases your "love per second" — the rate at which the currency, "love", generates on its own. You can also gain love by touching the screen rapidly, which isn't a euphemism, I SWEAR. Love is then spent on new wives, upgrades, and presents, all of which feed back into the LPS. As I said, "incremental", it plays itself. Also I guess The Beatles were right, because money can't buy you love but it can buy you upgrades. Everybody tells me so.

Is this the real wife? Is this just fantasy?

As you complete "achievement" criteria you unlock permanent +20% LPS growth bonuses, further rewarding you for tapping a loveless cold tablet screen. Well, it's easier than interacting with real women and with far less rejection! I'm totally okay, honest. No need to play the world's smallest violin. Maybe just a little. Fine, quite a bit.

The art style is simply adorable. With doodles of this delightfulness, it is impossible to take the game seriously at all. I wonder if, with its zany concept, it was ever meant to be taken seriously. The allure of the game, though, that's a serious thing. You see, there are these "secret illustrations" that are obtained by levelling a wife a fair bit higher than their max upgrade, plus a final one only unlocked by getting every single achievement. They've all been pretty tame so far, but that final one's gotta be worth the time and effort, right?

Translation isn't 10 Billion Wives' strongest suit. There are some spacing issues with the text, such as when marrying a new type of wife. Some of the translation is dodgy too, seeing as the "active wife" spends all of her time being asleep. Unless that's some really clever play on words. Let's go with that. I've played enough of the game to give it a score and a summary, but I shall continue to play on and off with the intention of unlocking that final image. Come on, after this much effort, it's sure to be lewd. Come on, be lewd.

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