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// article by Jeff

WELL, WELL... YOU HAVE THAT SAME SCRUNCHY LOOK AS LAST MONTH.

No kidding. You don't understand what kind of torture I have to put up with just to whet the appetites of GameCola's 2 avid readers. It's the lowest level of mental fecality, I'll tell you that!

HEY, THEY PAY YOU GOOD MONEY FOR THIS. OH WAIT... SCRATCH THAT. ANYWAY, YOU USUALLY BRING ME SOME WONDEROUSLY OBSCURE GAMING NUGGET, A SHARD OF PURE GAMING GOLD.

Oh, they couldn't pay me enough gold to play this again! I sincerely hope that I find a game next month that won't cause me to curl up in the fetal position just by watching the title screen. This month, I present to you "Wakataka Oozumou: Yume no Kyoudai Taiketsu" for the Super Famicom. Yes, it's Japanese, and thank goodness it stayed over there. I wouldn't want this to have been released here if there are a severe draught of all other games in 1993. This game makes Lester the Unlikely look like Super Mario Bros. 3.

LET'S SCAN THE AUDIENCE TO SEE HOW MANY OF THEM HAVE PLAYED "LESTER THE UNLIKELY"... NEITHER OF THEM.

And it stars a character who looks like me. And it's STILL better. I don't understand. Anyway, "Wakataka Oozumou: Yume no Kyoudai Taiketsu" was brought to the public by Imagineer, known for their mostly subpar library, including Quest 64, that lousy Wolfenstein 3D port for the SNES, and enough Sanrio games to cause children with lower immune systems to implode. Its name is partially translated on the packaging and reads, "Waka Taka Ozumo: Brothers Dream Match". I take it that Waka and Taka are brothers, and they end up having a deep conversation and end up learning more about each other. Oh... actually, it's a sumo wrestling game of the utmost dullness.

SUMO WRESTLING, EH? CAN'T SAY WE HAVE MANY OF THOSE 'ROUND THESE PARTS.

Yeah, and I blame Imagineer for sealing up any possibilities of us WANTING one of these. But anyhow, after looking at the ridiculously cartoony sumos do the sumo shuffle on the title screen, you have to go through a significant amount of Japanese text, none of which I can read. I don't even remember seeing any numbers, though that wouldn't really have helped me much because when I become immersed in a video game, I end up having a numeracy level equivalent to a blinding stink. But I survived and made it to the ring. Right above your head, three cards appear, each outlining a move (in Japanese, so I have no clue what I'm doing) and another Japanese symbol to tell me how strong the move is. Couldn't be in numerical format, eh? You have about one second to select which card you want to play. Suddenly, a weird paddle arises from the ground Then both of you (or you and the computer if your friends are smart enough to leave you the hell alone when you whip out your Waka Taka) tap the controller button at just the right time as it lands over your opponent. That description of the paddle sounds weird, and that's because it IS weird. So he or she who taps it with excellent timing without tapping prematurely (a problem for many gamers) gets to perform his or her move of choice.

Yet sumo wrestling shouldn't be about having stupid cards waving about. Forget a card and button tapping system. Why don't they get the programmers from Street Fighter II in the mix and have them prepare a REAL sumo wrestling game. I want to be able to genuinely try and push my opponent outside the ring with strength, agility, and strategically-placed underarm fur clumps, not play a terrible game of sumo euchre.

I LIKE EUCHRE.

And I like good games, but that doesn't mean life is beautiful. But that's the entire game. Just selecting cards and hoping you have better reflexes than a video game console processor from 1990. Oh, and reads excessive blots of Japanese text. And the graphics and sound don't impress me either, and I'm easily impressed. Remember the graphics from Kirby's Adventure, which came out the same year but on an inferior console? That was a hell of a lot more pleasing than this.

SO... I HAVE TO ASK BECAUSE IT'S IN MY CONTRACT. SHOULD I SEEK OUT THIS GAME?

Who gave you a contract? And no, don't find this game. Instead, go find a bucket of sulphuric acid from the curbside and burn right through this sorry excuse of a medium. I don't want to play anymore sumo games for the rest of my life now. Not even Super Mario Sumo. That would probably be awful, too. Guaranteed, even.

YOU SURE ARE ANGSTY TODAY. MAYBE A GOOD GAME NEXT MONTH WILL CHEER YOU UP?

I'd better make damn sure I find one, or I'm going to start tearing new holes in people.


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