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// article by Jeff

Hey there, Ominous Voice.

AWWWW, MAN! AM I BACK IN THIS ARTICLE AGAIN? I THOUGHT, FOR ONCE, I WOULD FINALLY BE GIVEN MY OWN GAMECOLA FEATURE. BUT HERE I AM, STUCK WITH YOU. AND YOU STINK.

Oh, really? You think you could handle your very own GameCola feature?

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I COULD. I HAVE MORE CHARISMA IN MY LEFT NOSTRIL THAN YOU DO IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY. PLUS I DON'T HAVE A RIDICULOUS BEAK PLUNGING OUT OF MY FACE LIKE YOU.

All right, smart guy. What if I were to give you this article for your very own?

WH-WHAT? YOU MEAN I GET TO PICK THE GAME AND ALL, AND TALK ABOUT IT, AND RECOMMEND IT OR NOT, AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU?

Nope, I'd be off in the green room enjoying a shrimp cocktail. But this is Gamera Obscura, not "Amazingly Common Game Showcase." You'd have to give the fine audience something they likely haven't seen before.

HUH... WELL, YEAH, I'M GONNA DO IT! YEAH! I AM CAPABLE OF DOING THIS ON MY OWN! I DO HAVE A DEGREE FROM ITT TECH, AFTER ALL, SO I MUST BE SMART! OK, JEFF, GET OUT OF HERE. I HAVE A SHOW TO DO! BUT... "GAMERA OBSCURA" IS A STUPID NAME, SO WE'RE NOT GOING TO CALL IT THAT ANYMORE. I'LL GIVE IT A SNAPPIER TITLE.

Sounds fun. Good luck -- you'll need it.

PFFF, I CAN DO THIS. UHH... HEY... THERE... READER AUDIENCE. WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST FEATURE: ...UH... OH! OH! I GOT IT!

THIS MONTH, WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT A NIFTY LITTLE GAME CALLED "NEVER MIND." OH, NOW I HEAR YOU ALL OUT THERE SAYING "NEVER MIND THAT GAME!" WELL, YOU ALL ARE LOSERS. YOU DON'T KNOW A GREAT GAME WHEN YOU SEE ONE. YOU PLAY CALL OF DUTY AND THINK YOU'RE IMPRESSIVE GAMERS. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT. IT JUST MAKES YOU A PATHETIC DRONE. AND YOU, THE ONES WHO GO GOO-GOO OVER INDIE GAMING LIKE IT'S THE NEXT BIG THING... I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BUDDY: INDIE GAMES SUCK HORSE HAY. THEY'RE PUNY EXPERIENCES CREATED BY GIRLFRIEND-LESS BUMHATS IN THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENT WHILE THEY EVER-SO-NONMETICULOUSLY CLAIM THEY'RE EARNING A "BUSINESS DEGREE." THAT AIN'T GONNA GET YOU ANYWHERE, PAL. AND THAT ONE PERSON WHO LIKES NANCY DREW GAMES? I'M NOT EVEN GOING THERE, IT'S SO SAD.

SO YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. HEY, BOTH EYES RIGHT HERE, BUTT-FOR-BRAINS: THE GOLDEN DAYS OF GAMING ARE BEHIND US. WE'RE JUST REHASHING OLD IDEAS WITH NEW SKINS. SO WHEN I THROW AN OLD-SCHOOL GAME YOUR WAY, DON'T GIVE ME YOUR GUFF. YOU JUST SIT THERE AND ENJOY THE DARN THING BECAUSE IT'S THE SOURCE OF ALL YOUR GAMING LOVE, Y'HEAR?

ALRIGHT. SHUT UP. NEVER MIND. IT'S A GAME ABOUT... HECK, I CAN'T EVEN TELL FROM THE GAME ITSELF. DOESN'T MATTER, THOUGH. BACK WHEN GAMES DIDN'T GULP DOWN AWFUL JUICE, WE DIDN'T NEED A STORYLINE. WE JUST WENT THROUGH AND KILLED WHATEVER WAS IN OUR WAY. NOTHING TO KILL IN THIS GAME, THOUGH. IT'S MORE LIKE AN ACTION-PUZZLE DEALY. DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GONNA BLOW LIKE A SEA SHANTY IN AN EVENING GALE. MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO DUST OFF YOUR USELESS BRAIN FOR ONCE AND THINK. SO YOU GOTTA LOOK AT A PICTURE THEY GIVE YOU AND THEN HAVE YOUR WARRIOR GUY REARRANGE THE TILES ON THE FLOOR TO MATCH THE PICTURE IN A SHORT TIMEFRAME. C'MON, YOU HAVE THE COJONES TO DO THIS, RIGHT?

BUT SCREW IT. LET'S JUST PLAY THE DARN THING AND SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT. I'M SURE IT'LL BE BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS. ....WHOA, WHAT'S GOING ON? LOOKS LIKE I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE MOVING. ...OK, SERIOUSLY, MY CHARACTER WON'T EVEN MOVE. WHAT... THE... FRUGALITY? MOVE, YOU DORK! MOVE!! ...I'M DONE WITH THIS RIDICULOUS NONSENSE. NEVER MIND IS BAD. JUST... IT'S BAD.

IT'S BAD. DON'T PLAY IT. AND... WHY DOES A FINANCIAL TABLE COME UP WHEN I PRESS ENTER?

...UGH... HOW DOES JEFF DO THIS EVERY MONTH? HOW CAN HE PLAY SUCH AWFUL, AWFUL GAMES AND STILL REMAIN MODERATELY CHEERFUL? HE MUST BE SOME SORT OF GOD-LIKE CHARACTER OF SORTS.

...Did I just hear someone call me "god-like"?

NO. NO, YOU DIDN'T.

I overheard your entire rant there. You can't do this show alone. You don't have the people skills! You need me to complement your gruff attitude.

UGH... JUST SAY GOODBYE TO THE PEOPLE. I NEED TO LAY DOWN...

Bye, folks!


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