I know it sounds inviting, but trust me—this is a game that you should stay as far away from as you can. Bible Adventures has sapped all the fun and happiness that one would normally find when playing a video game and has replaced it with monotony and frustration. The game has three different "stories" that you can choose to play through: Noah, Moses, and David. If you know anything about the Bible stories, you'll know that these three buckaroos had quite the adventures. Giant boats, giant exoduses, giant giants...there's plenty of substance there to make a movie trilogy and then a couple of spinoffs that do poorly in the box office. However, what you get with these three men in Bible Adventures is one giant yawn and a couple of stale communion wafers.

I "Noah" guy who hasn't played this game. He's quite happy living in the ignorance of the brick that is this game...unlike me. The first thing you notice is how buff Noah is. Seriously, the old man can lift, bro! The game gives you a limit of four things that you can carry over your head before it drops the fifth item like it's a lava potato. Whatever those four things are is entirely up to you. You want to carry 3 cows and an acorn? Two snakes, a monkey, and a tiger? Sure, why not? By the way, Noah's balance is impeccable. He can balance a zebra on a bird on a little pile of seeds with the ease of spider on a trapeze. It's like that song about a frog on a log in a hole at the bottom of the sea...except backwards. You have to be careful, though. Noah seems to have stepped in some melted butter. He will slip and slide off the ark's platforms and tree branches like they were coated with ice—which they weren't because there is NO RAIN. Not only does he slide around, but sometimes he'll decide to give a little extra jump even though you only pressed the jump button once. I appreciate the consideration, Mr. Noah, but I really didn't need you to do that for me. Now, pardon me as I pick up these three cows you made me drop. These cows are tricky. They'll patiently chew their cud on top of your head as you carry them around, but they'll abandon ship as soon as Noah jumps onto a platform. If Noah's lucky, they won't plunge off the side of the ark to the ground below. Once the cows are safely tucked away on the ark, it's time to get some birds. Now, these aren't your normal, everyday flying birds.

These are teleporting birds!

Yes, sometimes you will knock out a bird with a pear and it will simply fall straight to the ground through every solid platform. Once Noah gets to where it's fallen, the bird is nowhere to be found. It's magic (which is the general theme of the Bible anyway). On occasion, the bird will teleport upwards, reaching heights that NASA would be jealous of. Say hello to the Big Man Upstairs for me! While you're at it, ask him why he only doles health out in tablets with Bible verses on them...that haven't even been written yet. Does that mean Noah is a strong man and a time traveler? That would make more sense than why a god would destroy the entire world because the people annoyed him.

There's Noah way I'd play this twice.

The next game skips ahead a few hundred years to the youth of our favorite basket-riding, plague-bearing, bush-talker Moses. I hope you weren't looking forward to playing as this guy too much because you'll soon find that Moses is a useless baby with male pattern baldness in this level. Instead you'll be uh...Mrs. Moses? She's basically a girl version of Noah from the first part of the game—sandals, robe, and all! Mommy Moses has some nice muscled arms as well! I have no doubt she could hold her own in professional American football. She's able to carry not only baby Moses but also other random things lying around such as giant spiders and soldiers who flunked out of Egyptian boot camp. The spiders can't seem to decide whether you're worth their time or not. Sometimes they'll harm you, sometimes they won't. It depends on which side of the pyramid they woke up on that morning, I suppose. If they aren't coming for you with the anger of a thousand suns, they'll happily deal with some of the dopey-looking soldiers for you. These soldiers like to pop out of nowhere like groundhogs on speed. Some of them with throw what appear to be cardboard cutouts of the number 2. Not sure what that's about, but I'm sure it has some important historical significance...sure, yeah, we'll go with that. If the soldiers happen to catch Moses, they will deal with him the way I wish I could deal with all of my own problems—by chucking it into the nearest river. Have no fear! You are provided an unlimited amount of baby Moses-es. His poor mother has to pop one out and place it at the beginning of the level every time you mess up. Most of these levels start out with you dying immediately, so good luck dearest player. Don't give up yet! Pretty soon you'll be walking on sunshine in this game...because apparently clouds are low and dense enough to hold your weight. Oh, and you can't swim either. Everything in this level wants to kill you. Trust no one...not even the baby.

I could say that Wisdom Tree had saved the best of the three games for last, but that would be lying. Not just a little white lie, but a promise to take you out for ice cream if you're a good boy during school today. I personally think the developers weren't expecting anyone to get to the David & Goliath part of the game before throwing it into the Pacific Ocean...even if it meant crossing the country on hot coals while carrying a cement block. David looks exactly like Moses' mom from the previous game—the same beefy arms and all! The goal of this game is to find and return four sheep to the fold and then teleport to the rocky hills to confront Goliath head on. A secret goal is to not fall asleep while you're picking up sheep. No, you don't fall asleep in the game, but there is a definite risk of losing consciousness and tumbling face first into the coffee table. Also, make sure you know that rams do not count as sheep; otherwise, you'll get perpetually headbutted when trying to hoist this horned menace atop your noggin. Watch out for the lions and bears! They...actually don't care about you if you aren't carrying a sheep. Apparently they have a bigger appetite for lambs than limbs. If they happen to un-sheep you, the lions will engage in an endless loop of booping the poor sheep back and forth, making it impossible for you to retrieve the sheep without getting hurt. If it's not the lions and the bears, it's the squirrels. Oh, my. These squirrels have some sort of vengeance on poor David because they will constantly bombard him with their nuts. What did I ever do to you, virtual squirrels?! Luckily, their acorns are made of titanium and can knock out a full grown lion with one hit. That comes in handy quite a bit.

The next part of the game has you facing scorpions, soldiers, and falling rocks in order to reach the peak and defeat the mighty awful-looking Goliath. Your only weapon is a sling and unlimited grey biscuits that can defeat a 9-foot behemoth of a man but fail to make a dent in the tiny scorpions skittering about the level. The Bible is known for its miracle-workers, but who could've known this game would produce a miracle of its own? If you run Goliath off the cliff, the hands of the Good Lord will raise him up to the heavens and drop him back in front of you so you can finish him off! How kind of you. I was so hoping you wouldn't just let me exploit the game. After all, the Bible says "Thou shalt not cheat at video games." It's right there in Sega Genesis 16:32. Look it up. It's totally there.