Top 10 Failed Weight Loss Programs // random.access

Top 10 Failed Weight Loss Programs

// article by Jeff

You've heard all of the ridiculous infomercials on television. It sounds impressive that a woman magically lost 120 pounds just by taking mysterious herbs or by using a cooling laser that makes fat disappear into unknown crevices of universal space. And let's not forget the various machines designed to change you from a walking marshmallow to a buff hottie with simple daily exercises. For some, they might provide results, but that "Results not typical" presented in small print leads me to believe that they're all a bunch of cockamamie schemes. But consider this: these are the ones that actually are funded and make it to the public eye. There are so many out there that never see the light of day for whatever reason, and I am here to shed light on ten failed weight loss programs.

10. The All-Fat Diet

Many people have tried a wide variety of different weight loss programs, but sometimes, nothing seems to work. So when it was introduced that a person in such a situation should do exactly the opposite of what they've already tried, it made perfect logical sense. Overweight individuals signed up for the All-Fat Diet and were given just that as meals: pure fat. Aside from being a disgusting gustatory affair, it simply didn't work. Many suffered from heart failure; others hated the program so much that they cheated by sneaking vegetables into the mix. Needless to say, this was a short-lived endeavor.

9. Murder (a.k.a. Get Murdered And Eat No More)

I believe the law in most jurisdictions forbade this, but they tried this one out in obscure countries that no longer exist thanks to this very program, ironically. If you hire someone to kill you, then you won't have to worry about overeating any longer. The reasoning behind the eventual banning of the Murder Weight Loss Program by the U.N. and various other international humanist organizations should be obvious.

8. Fennel, Fennel, and More Fennel

Fennel. It's a healthy plant that has a variety of culinary uses. As a staple of the human diet, it can aid in the digestive process and the diminishing of fat cells. (Source: The Fennel, Fennel and More Fennel Brochure) How could something like this go awry? Easy. Seems one gentleman from Boise, Idaho misread the title and accidentally ate FUNNELS instead. He ended up gaining weight instead... and then died as a plump, 43% plastic cadaver..

7. The Only-Eat-Things-You-Can-Spell Diet

This program was really only effective with individuals who did not regularly attend an educational facility. Under the rules of this weight loss program, a person could not eat anything they could not spell. Foods such as "chocolate" and licorice" were quite a challenge, thanks to those pesky silent letters. Unfortunately, it seems that "pork" is easy to spell, and too many people indulged in it, resulting in a few too many publicized porkers, causing this program to quickly shut down.

6. Divorce Your Fat

Tying up the legal system certainly can be fun for some. Back in the 16th century of the Edo period in Japan, it was very clear that women could not divorce their husbands, save if they escaped to specific Shinto temple as marriage refugees. But there was no law or precedent concerning the marriage between a woman and her ample posterior. It soon became chic to request a divorce not from their husbands, but from their plump regions. Though such requests were usually denied, some civil authorities were known to accept such pleas solely for their own humourous pleasures. Needless to say, the fat never left its domicile. Fat is, after all, quite the freeloader.

5. The "Give Birth In Hollywood And Automatically Drop The Weight" Diet

Isn't it funny how, every time a celebrity gives birth, they look absolutely fabulous, like, the following afternoon? Well, you, too, could have similar results after childbirth with the "Give Birth In Hollywood And Lose Weight" Diet! All you have to do is move to Hollywood, become a celebrity (or at least get accepted into a Corn Bran commercial), give birth, and your excessive weight will be gone immediately! I suppose it was never that easy. Of course, Angelina Jolie also ruined it by adopting every kid instead.

4. Cannibalism... and You!

The concept had its merit initially: if you start eating everybody around, eventually you won't have anyone left to judge you when you weigh an ungodly number of pounds. It was later determined (and by later, I mean, within a few seconds) that other citizens were unlikely to accept being devoured. The Cannibal Diet was shelved indefinitely.

3. Drink A Glass of Steam Per Day

I ask you, people: has anyone ever gained weight from inhaling steam? Extremely unlikely! So, why not base an entire diet around steam? Think about it: humans are made primarily of water, we need water to live, and drinking water is normally good for us! So drinking a glass of freshly-steamed steam seems most reasonable, does it not? Apparently not. There just isn't enough of the necessary vitamins, minerals, and tasty amino acids in steam to keep people alive. This was discovered the hard way. Not to mention the fact that if you drink more than the suggested amount of steam, it adds up...

2. Buff Your Chins And Win!

This weight loss program was never approved by any organization, but leave it to an ambitious Norwegian sailor to give it a go. Frustrated by the extortionate prices associated with liposuction and other cosmetic surgeries, one Bjorn Jorgenstad figured it would be much less expensive to use a common sander to get rid of weight by scratching it away, bit by bit. It may have been more time-consuming, but it got the job done with money left over for new clogs. Unfortunately, he first tested his theory on himself and made two discoveries: anesthetic is quite necessary, and if you buff long enough, you can see what your internal organs look like! Gross.

1. Stomach Eviction

Tired of your stomach desiring all those extra-tasty snacks? Well, one crafty landlord in Venezuela had a sneaky idea: why not swallow an eviction notice? Then your stomach would have to leave, and you wouldn't be able to eat anything else, thus leading to effective weight loss! Sadly, this simply didn't work. Aside from most stomachs simply rejecting the notification (note how I didn't say all stomachs), a few people became addicted to legal-sized paper and had other medical issues soon after.

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