They always come at the most inappropriate times and cause havoc almost immediately! No, I'm not talking about annoying relatives; I'm talking about those nasty blasts from behind! Poofs can cause serious physical, psychological, and social damage over time. Although I can't shield people from the physical damage, I can offer helpful tips to use around others in order to help prevent negative fart stigma from scarring you for life.
10. Run while doing it. The smell will always be far behind, and the gas will easily give you speed boosts for excellent exercise sessions.
9. Strike a wicked pose and call yourself DJ Wikkymaster while declaring that you're actually just scratchin' some gnarly beats.
8. Sing baritone opera as you let the deep ones slide.
7. Indicate that you collect roadkill as a hobby, then proceed in motioning to open your backpack or pants to prove it.
6. ♪ "Blame it on the rain!" ♫ ...what? That's what Milli Vanilli sang whenever they had these issues! And you can, too!
5. Always bring a smelly horse with you, no matter where you are.
4. Devour tons of compressed air prior so that your farts end up smelling like regular air.
3. Purchase a gas-to-muzak converter so that fellow citizens can be soothed by the music of Kenny G as you suffer through double meat chili at lunch.
2. Deliver a fake statistic about how 86% of all insulation in houses and buildings are made of foul-smelling sulfur.
1. Found a year-round chili cookoff and live there permanently; it's hard not to mask your own poofs when the backside braying of others beckons constantly.
