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Episode IX: Don't Pumpernickel & Dime Me

It was discovered that the Lo Crew, a group of teenagers enthusiastic about science, had stolen the mummified body of King Tutenpoufen to enter in a science fair. After being convinced of its lack of pizazz, however, they turn to Blind Man Soy as a new mummification experiment, but to a greater audience: the world, via YouTube!
BLIND MAN SOY: Can't we talk this over? Y'know, over tea and crumpets, and possibly by cutting my ropes and letting me run free with the other blind detectives?
LOLO: Quiet, you! We're not letting you go! You might rat on us, and then we'd get prison time!
YOLO: Man, I ain't goin' ta no prison. That's where they serve stale bread, man. I ain't down wit' nothin' dat ain't fresh 'n' pumpernickelin'.
ROLO: So... you're stayin' put!
BLIND MAN SOY: Damn. My plan to try and fool you with light pleading has failed. ...I'm really losing my edge these days.
LOLO: This is going to happen whether you like it or not, Soy, if that IS your real name...
BLIND MAN SOY: Oh yeah, like anyone would REALLY name their kid "Soy". Nobody's that cruel.
LOLO: Alright then. Rolo, Yolo, you guys set up the webcam so we can start broadcasting this poor sap's utter demise.
ROLO: You got it, Lolz.
LOLO: Don't call me Lolz.
BLIND MAN SOY: Wait, you guys have Wifi down here, beneath an ancient pyramid and tomb of the beloved King Tutenpoufen?
LOLO: He was a very progressive pharaoh.
ROLO: We're all done.
BLIND MAN SOY: That was fast. You must be major technonerds.
LOLO: You very much underestimate us, just like you underestimated Deaf Girl Lima when she stalked you through Disney World.
BLIND MAN SOY: Hey, THAT wasn't in the papers. How did you know about that?
LOLO: We saw an animated GIF about it on Reddit, with her peeking through the bushes with the word "SOON" superimposed on it. Alright, enough chat. Yolo, bring me the recipe for the embalming fluid.
YOLO: Ehhh... errr...
LOLO: Don't tell me you left it at home again, you idiot...
YOLO: 'fraid so, man. Things ain't goin' well, guess.
BLIND MAN SOY: Hmmm... I might be able to give you a hand with that formula.
LOLO: YOU?! Why would you, the victim, help us embalm you?
BLIND MAN SOY: Well, I figure that if I'm going to die anyway, it might as well be done right.
ROLO: Yes, it DOES look like he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
LOLO: *sigh* Very well. Give us instruction on what we should do.
BLIND MAN SOY: Good. Let's begin...
Using some interesting but not irregular materials, Blind Man Soy advises the Lo Crew on how to concoct a gooey embalming fluid. Then, without warning, they untie him and coat the still-coated Blind Man Soy with the fluid after laying him upon a lengthy table, stolen from the high school cafeteria.
LOLO: There. In a short while, the fluid will harden, and you'll be unable to move. Then we'll cover you in those cool white bandages. You'll asphyxiate for certain, and we shall be the reigning kings of YouTube! Eat your heart out, Cat Who Keeps Saying "No-no-no-no-no-no"!
BLIND MAN SOY: Are you sure this is how you mummify a person? Don't you have to rid me of moisture from my body and perform a perfume-related ritual?
LOLO: Hey, don't analyze our methods. We're the scientists here. Plus, we don't have that kind of time on our hands. It's Salisbury Steak Day in the cafeteria later.
ROLO: Ohhh... steak....
LOLO: Alright, Yolo. See if you can manage not to screw this up, too. Turn on the webcam -- the show is about to begin!
BLIND MAN SOY: Shouldn't it have started before you covered me in this goop?
LOLO: Oh, shut up.

[ ...to be continued... ]

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