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Episode X: Soy-liloquoy

Blind Man Soy is coated in a makeshift embalming fluid and is ready to become mummified live over the interwebs! This could be problematic.
LOLO: Hey, doughhead, do you have that webcast up and running yet?
YOLO: Yeah, hold on a sec, I'm checking out a cool video on here. Heh, you silly dog -- you can't lick that!
LOLO: Ugh, why do I associate with this moron? Well, we have a little bit of time before your rather timely death. Any last words before we turn you into a hardened passé detective?
BLIND MAN SOY: Hmmm... so this is how my life ends. You know, guys, though I'm not exactly as youthful as you all are now, but there were still so many things that I really wanted to do with my life. Sure, being a detective had its perks and its intrinsic rewards. But I wanted more out of life. I wanted to finally fall in love with the perfect woman -- not just one with the scent of incredible beauty, but one of sound character and mind, one that would truly help me realize just how special relationships in this world can be. I wanted to have a son or daughter to call my own, and I wanted to pass on all the positive values and experiences I have gained by seeing the world through shadowed vision. And I wanted to be there for all their achievements and downfalls. I wanted to be with them as they learned how to ride a bike, how to solve multiplication problems, and how to build solid relationships... I wanted to be there for spelling bees, for graduations, maybe even to walk my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I wanted to have the relationship with my child that I never had with my own father. I wanted true love, I wanted genuine love, and now, it is but an impossibility.
ROLO: ...Man, I wish I had a snack for this webcast.
YOLO: Yeah, dude, I'm totally Jonesin'. Where's Solo with the stash'a'food?
LOLO: I know it's strange, but as soon as you mentioned food, I, too, became hungry.
ROLO: Well, damn, I can't wait here forever for that doofus to bring back our Slim Jims and garlic bologna. I say we go get that stuff ourselves!
YOLO: Yeah, I'm down wit' it, but what're we gonna do with this mummy guy?
LOLO: You mean Soy? I... doubt he's going anywhere, being trapped by a quickly hardening embalming fluid, the recipe for which he so stupidly provided. If he's that much of a dolt, I'm pretty sure he won't be escaping.
ROLO: Alright, let's go get that preserved meat!
LOLO: Don't you go anywhere, Soy. Heh, as if you can actually move. We won't be long.
The Lo Crew exit the cave to obtain their unhealthy snack supplies, leaving Blind Man Soy to lay on a table, engulfed in embalming fluid and strips of cloth.
BLIND MAN SOY: Boy, are they ever stupid.
Blind Man Soy awkwardly but quickly stands up and shakes all the clumpy goop off of his body. He's still a bit soggy, but at least he can move about freely.
BLIND MAN SOY: They can't be THAT bright if they can't tell the difference between a recipe for embalming liquid and one for tapioca pudding. Now that I'm free, I think it's time to set up a trap for these vagabonds and take care of them once and for all. Nobody messes with Blind Man Soy, International Detective Extraordinaire!

[ ...to be continued... ]

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