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Dreadful Script Edition

Page 5

A KONG KRISIS - PART II

STARRING: Candy Kong, Cranky Kong, Diddy Kong, Donkey Kong, Funky Kong, Kiddy Kong, King K. Rool, Mystery Thief, Neek, Princess Toadstool, Swanky Kong, Wrinkly Kong

When we last left off, Donkey Kong was trying to figure out who stole their Banana Hoard.

DONKEY KONG:I wonder who took the Banana Hoard.
KING K.ROOL:Well, hurry it up. You're filling my throne room with parasites. Oooh, I hope they don't bite...
DIDDY KONG:Hey, shut up, you lardbutt.
KING K.ROOL:Shut up, you parasitic monkey.
DIDDY KONG:Why you--
DONKEY KONG:K. Rool and Diddy Kong, stop arguing. Diddy, c'mon, we're going home.

Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong make their way back to the Beach Hut.

CRANKY KONG:So you made it back. You failed, didn't you? You ugly no-gooder--
KIDDY KONG:Hurus kabobo! Mifiak pupua!
CRANKY KONG:Oh, all right, Kiddy. You made your point. Donkey, you loafer, tell us what stupid things you did on your quest, you fat ape. Where's my banana?
WRINKLY KONG:Cranky!
CRANKY KONG:What now, woman?
WRINKLY KONG:Quit yelling at the dearies and let them explain.
CRANKY KONG:No! I want my banana! I WANT MY BANANA!!!!!!
KIDDY KONG:Hurus kabobo! Mifiak pupua!
CRANKY KONG:Oh, all right, Kiddy. You made your point AGAIN. Tell us what happened, Donkey.
DONKEY KONG:We went to K. Rool's castle, but we discovered he didn't take the bananas, so we came back here. *long pause*
CRANKY KONG:THAT'S your courageous story? What a load!
FUNKY KONG:Y'know, dude, maybe someone else took it.
SWANKY KONG:You should've brought Dixie along. She'll solve anything! Dixie Kong: the choice of champions!
CANDY KONG:Yes, in his advertisical way, Swanky is right. Let's think this over, and think of who could have-- --Donkey, quit looking at me like that-- --think of who could have stolen our Bana-- --DK, put your eyes and tongue back in your head-- --Banana Hoa-- --DK, do I appeal to you in any way?
CRANKY KONG:Oh, yeah, baby... *tongue falls out of DK's mouth*
CANDY KONG:Maybe we can get together later, Donkey, but right now, we must find the Banana Hoard, so we can shut up that Cranky Kong.
CRANKY KONG:You young 'uns don't give us elders any respect. No respect at all. Back in my day, when trousers were the latest fashion trend, I always gave my pa, Gusty Kong, a load of respect. I never made fun of 'im. He stood tall like an ape should. We lived a happy life. We used to toss the ol' barrel around in the backyard when I was 7. Ahhh. I can still smell the burnin' rubber of my glove as he threw me a speeding sphere. You 'uns call it a fastball nowadays. Boy, you kids got everything easy. We had to farm our own food right out of the dirt. Dirt was not pre-packaged and processed like it is nowadays. What you eat now probably isn't even FOOD anymore. It's made of plastics probably. We never had plastic back when I was a mere Kong boy. We had to use paper for all our problems. We didn't have water bottles to carry our water. No, we used cone shaped paper to hold it. Sure, ink got into the water, but that's the way we liked it! Toughened us up, it did! Why, I can remember when Gusty Kong treated me to a dairy cone one warm day, back in my own day.  The ink got right into the dairy product.  Toughened me up!  I became strong and in school was voted most likely to pick up a boulder with his nose. Noses were stronger back then, and--
EVERYONE ELSE:SHUT UP!!!
CRANKY KONG:No respect. *grumbles to himself*
DIDDY KONG:Well, let's all think about who could have taken it.

All the Kongs think hard. Suddenly, Funky Kong gets an idea.

FUNKY KONG:I've got an idea...
CRANKY KONG:Bet it hurts.
FUNKY KONG:DK! Diddy! Follow me, little dudes! We'll take the Funky Plane Barrel to our destination.

Funky takes Donkey and Diddy to a place called Mario's Pad. Funky knocks on the door. Mario opens the door, and a heavy golden glow peeks through the doorway.

MARIO:Yes? Who-a is i-- oh, the Kongs! *slams the door*
DIDDY KONG:It was Mario? How did you know that?
FUNKY KONG:Let's recap two points from "A Kong Krisis - Part I". Dude, hit the rewind, man!

Wrinkly said: "Cranky, you're becoming a shriveled angry prune! DK's been killing Mario for over a year straight! Let him rest! Be a dearie, and have at least half a heart."

Neek said: "Y-you're Donkey Kong, right? I know you! I once was a DK ADDICT!!! You kept killing Mario! We here think Mario's a show-off."

DONKEY KONG:How did you know about what the Neek said? You weren't there!
FUNKY KONG:I read the script, man!
DIDDY KONG:Ah, now that's logic for ya. But, how do we get the Hoard back if Mario won't let us in?
FUNKY KONG:Simple, man! *holds up an axe*
DONKEY KONG:You're just gonna crash your way inside? Why don't you try getting inside by the DOOR first?
DIDDY KONG:*sarcastically* You're so smart, DK.
FUNKY KONG:Fine, dude. *knocks on door* Uh, Mario? W-will ya let us in?
MARIO:No! You'll, uh, stink-a up my-a house.
DIDDY KONG:Axe away, Funky.

Funky Kong axes down Mario's house. The huge Banana Hoard is revealed.

MARIO:My-a house! My-a house! You-a destroyed my-a house!
DONKEY KONG:Well, you took our Banana Hoard...
MARIO:So? I got-a no place to live-a now!
FUNKY KONG:We'll worry about it soon, Mario-mon! Now, why in the world did you steal our mondo Banana Hoard?
MARIO:It was-a revenge for-a beating me up-a all those-a times in that-a game Donkey Kong-a.
FUNKY KONG:Well, dude, don't do that gnarly kinda stunt again.
MARIO:Okie-dokie! But where-a will I live-a?
DIDDY KONG:We'll find you a place to live... IF you help us haul the bananas back.
MARIO:Okie-dokie!

Slowly but surely, Mario, Funky, Diddy, and Donkey Kong haul the Banana Hoard back to its cave. Following the great banana drag, the quartet return to the Kong Beach Hut.

CRANKY KONG:Ah, the Banana Hoard's back. So who's the culprit THIS time, kid?
MARIO:It's-a me, Mario!
CRANKY KONG:So we meet again, Jumpman! You may have outsmarted me before in Donkey Kong, the best arcade game of 1981, but you can't get me again! Let me kick your boney behind, you screwy man!
WRINKLY KONG:Stop! I'm sure he had a purpose. Oh, I'll bet it was revenge for beating him up for a year in the game Donkey Kong.
DIDDY KONG:Exactly. But we had to axe down his house to get to the bananas, and now he's homeless.
CRANKY KONG:Make him sleep in a garbage can for all I care.
WRINKLY KONG:Cranky!
SWANKY KONG:Just a reminder that this act was written, produced, choreographed, designed, configured and directed by SoyBomb, the best guy on earth! *whispers to SoyBomb* OK, where's my money...
CANDY KONG:Oooh, Donkey Kong, you're my hero... let's sneak to my house and have some fun...
DONKEY KONG:Yeah! Yeah!

Without hesitation, DK and Candy Kong leave to her house for an evening of amusement amongst themselves.

KIDDY KONG:Hidyoll! Losahidyoll!
WRINKLY KONG:You're right, Kiddy, he can't be homeless... hmmm, what CAN we do?
DIDDY KONG:Oh, I've got that covered. Come, Mario...
MARIO:Here we go-o-o-o-o!

An hour and a half later...

PRINCESS:I'll be glad to take him! Thanks, Diddy.

Diddy returns to the Beach Hut. All is well.

FUNKY KONG:Well, I guess there's no harm done.
CANDY KONG:No harm done?!?!? Why, back in my day, if someone stole even a pennycandy, there'd get whipped 'til they were sore. And back then, whips were made of the hardest material around then: wood. You could make a good whip out of spruce wood. Made a loud noise if you whacked someone. You could hear a whipping from a mile away from a wood whip. You'd hear it and you'd hear someone close by say "Yep. Someone got a whipping." You young folks don't have the whip much anymore. They should bring it back. Just bring back corporal punishment altogether! Keeps trouble out of your ear. Q-Tips don't keep trouble out, they just keep earwax out. I once heard how earwax got in there. The Wax Fairy knows when you're bad during the day, and when you're asleep, she sticks a wad of earwax in your ear. That's what my pa, Gusty Kong, told me. Kept outta trouble, I did. Earwax was terrible. Q-Tips, called Ear Yankers back when I was a young lad, were made of snakeskin, and tore the skin from your ear if you scraped fairly hard with 'em. Q-Tips are too soft nowadays. Made of cotton, they is. Cotton is like wool, comes from sheep. I have an interesting story about sheep from the 50's. I was 21, and a sheep came at me like a bull, and I--
EVERYONE ELSE:SHUT UP!!!
CRANKY KONG:No respect. *grumbles to himself*

Missed the first part? Read it here!

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