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Dreadful Script Edition

Page 4

A KONG KRISIS - PART I

STARRING: Candy Kong, Cranky Kong, Diddy Kong, Donkey Kong, Funky Kong, Kiddy Kong, King K. Rool, Neek, Swanky Kong, Wrinkly Kong

All the Kongs are taking a break from work in their treehouse.

DONKEY KONG:Ah. A day to relax and enjoy the wonders of life.
CRANKY KONG:You've been relaxing and enjoying the wonders of life for two weeks, you fat loafer! Be of some use and get me a banana from our Banana Hoard.

Donkey Kong shakes his head, but then goes to the Banana Hoard to get a banana for his grandpa Cranky Kong.

WRINKLY KONG:Cranky, you're becoming a shriveled angry prune! DK's been killing Mario for over a year straight! Let him rest! Be a dearie, and have at least half a heart.
FUNKY KONG:Yeah, dude! Why don't you just GET KALM! I mean, I'm gettin' frostbite over here from yo' attitude!
CRANKY KONG:Please stick yo' foot in yo' mouth, you parasite maniac.

Meanwhile, Donkey Kong is going to the Banana Hoard to fetch a banana. But when he gets there, he nearly faints at the sight. There are no bananas! Someone has stolen all the bananas! Who wouldn't, of course, seeing how it was the biggest banana horde in the world. Donkey Kong rushs back to the treehouse to share the news.

CRANKY KONG:Oh... Did you forget the banana, s-s-s-sonny?
DONKEY KONG:(mimicking) N-no, g-grandf-father, the Banana H-hoard is g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gone...
SWANKY KONG:Heh heh! What a funny!
CRANKY KONG:Geez... I try to be nice to this overstuffed yard ape... ...hey, the Banana Hoard... ...is it REALLY gone?
DONKEY KONG:Yeah, the Banana Hoard is really gone... (mimicking) Geez... ya try to be nice to people, and your Banana Hoard gets stolen... whoever stole it's an overstuffed fruit thief!
DIDDY KONG:Donkey, be serious. We've got to get the Banana Hoard back!
KIDDY KONG:Sni-sna-kuudja! Kooni! Flanu!
CANDY KONG:That's right, we must save it, or we suffer a bananaless life... ...or so says Kiddy. I suggest we-- Donkey, quit staring at me with your tongue sticking out!
DONKEY KONG:Sorry.
CANDY KONG:Now, chances are the thing that stole the bananas is-- Does something on me appeal to you, DK?
DONKEY KONG:Oh yeah... *tongue hangs out and drips on the rug* Oh mama... Candy... --uh, er, carry o-awwwwwwwwwwn... you're delicio-- oh, sorry. We must rescue that Banana Hoard!
CRANKY KONG:Kids these days, always turning into jelly over simple body curves... ...ahhh... ...er, I mean, shut up and get the bananas. That King K. Rool guy probably stole them! Donkey, Diddy, and Kiddy, go get the bananas in King K. Rool's castle! *whispers* Yes, that should cover my desires...
KIDDY KONG:Yagapoutin! Mehaka! Koinis? Imgosp!
CRANKY KONG:Fine, Kiddy, you don't have to go... *to himself* Worthless hunk o' junk...
WRINKLY KONG:I heard that, Cranky.
CRANKY KONG:Cranky? I'm not Cranky... I'm Elcognito Kong!
DONKEY KONG:OK, let's go, Diddy, li'l buddy.
DIDDY KONG:Anything you say, DK!

Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong head to King K. Rool's castle. However, the drawbridge is closed.

DIDDY KONG:Oh... now what do we do?
DONKEY KONG:Ask someone around here for directions?
DIDDY KONG:Uh, Donkey? Most of the things around are trying to KILL us!!!
DONKEY KONG:Hmmm. That will make it harder to force directions out of people. Well, here comes a large furry rat! Let's ask him.
NEEK:Halt! Who -neek! neek!- goes there? Hey, wait a sec! Y-you're Donkey Kong, right? I know you! I once was a DK ADDICT!!! You kept killing Mario! We here think Mario's a show-off. Anyway, I suppose I can let YOU in! But I don't know your little friend. He can't come in.
DIDDY KONG:I'm Diddy Kong... ...from Donkey Kong Country? Donkey Kong Land? Donkey Kong Land 2? Donkey Kong Country 2? Diddy Kong Racing? You gotta know ME! I'm... POPULAR!!!
NEEK:All I have is the NES. Sorry.
DONKEY KONG:Don't worry. If he gets out of line, I'll rough him up.
NEEK:OK, Mr. Kong, sir!

Neek pushes a stone on the castle, and the drawbridge opens. Donkey and Diddy enter, and go to the throne room.

KING K.ROOL:Ahhhh, the monkeys! What a pleasant surprise.
DONKEY KONG:Hey, where'd ya stash our Banana Hoard?
KING K.ROOL:Banana Hoard? Why would I want that?
DIDDY KONG:Uh, you've taken them MANY times?
KING K.ROOL:Yes, but I've grown tired of that. I just got the Internet, and I've been too busy surfing this cool site called the GamerBase to care about your bananas.
DONKEY KONG:Yeah, the GamerBase is a very cool site with loads of useful information and funny stuffs...but if YOU didn't take the bananas, who did?

Who took the bananas? Find out here!

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