Oh my goodness, I'm reviewing a movie.
And not just any movie—only THE worst movie I have ever seen!
I was never one for horror movies; I'd rather read about scary things than have them pop into my face as if they were dashing for the last piece of cheesecake in the world. I remember doing some laundry one day a few years ago and seeing a movie with a strange yet simple title on the guide menu. I checked it out and discovered one of my now favorite movie genres: horror B-movies. These movies where everything from the acting to the music to the special effects were so awful it was entertaining helped me waste many a day during my high school summers. When I saw the movie I'll be talking about in this review, I knew it was my destiny to share its horrifying stupidity with the world. So, come and enjoy a "scary" movie with me! You'll never forget it...
If you've ever seen one of these movies, you know exactly how each of them starts. They usually start with some random people out on a hike or an adventure or actively searching for the monster. Well, they find what it is they're looking for with disastrous results and NO SURVIVORS. Such is the case with Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon. There's so much wrong with this introduction, it's going to need its own paragraph. The introduction begins by telling us that we are in the Himalayan Mountains in the 1970s. There are two men following a guide up a mountain interspersed with random shots of trees. Turns out, they're looking for "Raksha", which is supposedly "demon" in Tibetan Sanskrit.
The Tibetan Sanskrit word for "demon" is (from what I found, at least) "mara". NOWHERE did I find that Raksha meant "demon" in ANY language! Want to know what's even worse? They were actually planning on naming the movie "Raksha: Curse of the Snow Demon". I don't understand (I said this many times throughout the movie). Why would they make up a word just for the movie? They obviously didn't expect the movie to be realistic, but why make up a word when you can just use the actual word? And "Raksha" really isn't that epic of a name either. That's the sound a pop can makes when you open it with the tab.
Anyway, these 1970s dudes walk into a cave with fire lanterns (why not flashlights?) and go head to head to head with a Yeti! The first guy splits the joint like his mom called him by his full name, middle name included. The second guy is like, "I'm gonna shoot ya!" Silly man, bullets don't work on Bigfoot! His presence jams all guns and distorts all recording devices. Duhhhh! So the man turns around and runs straight into a dead end. Wait, what? The man literally went 10 feet into the cave, turned around once, and there was a solid wall behind him. Did the director think we wouldn't notice? Because they should know this: I notice everything!
The film jumps ahead to the present day where a bunch of college football jocks are flying over the Himalayan mountains to Japan for a "bowl game". Last time I looked, they didn't hold American football "bowl" games in Japan. Sure, there's a presence of American football in Japan, but it's mostly World Cup kind of stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong; I'm not a big football follower. The movie goes to a scene with a guy trying to get the coach to put him in as a replacement for something or other, but the coach denies him because the guy's father paid for the football field. You'd think with a tragic story like that, the guy would be the main character. But noooooo, they introduce some plastic faced, egotistical football jock to shamelessly flirt with a lady character. Apparently, he's the main character! While he's desperately trying to woo his lady with football magazine articles about himself, the plane is quickly approaching a storm. The pilots don't seem to care at all and just plow through the storm. Did they ever think to fly above the storm?
FULL SPEED AHEAD.
OOPS! There goes the entire back half of the plane! That'll kill our insurance rates.
So the plane crashes and the survivors stumble around and moan for about three minutes. The mascot, aka "comedic relief guy" who looks strikingly similar to Seth Green, bursts out of the bathroom and throws out a failed witty line. Funny thing, though: the storm they passed through not seconds before has mysteriously disappeared...
The survivors gather what meager supplies they can manage and complain about it being cold in the Himalayas. No one bothers to huddle around the BURNING RUBBLE of the plane to warm up. They notice some of the bodies have been dragged away and contemplate what kind of animal could do such a thing. Meanwhile, a rescue team of an American man and a Russian woman (I think? I couldn't really tell because her fake accent changed from time to time.) are the only ones sent to rescue an entire plane full of people. Oh geez. Yeah, that makes as much sense as trying to paint dirt does.
The yeti pays a visit to the survivors once the dead bodies were disposed of and picks them off one by one. Comedic relief man gets his beating heart handed to him Temple of Doom style and his girl pal gets curb stomped in the face. He then kidnaps the football man's girl and leaps off into the sunset. Why didn't the Yeti kill her like it did the others? The whole thing is so ridiculous, you have to laugh at it! So everyone goes to try to rescue her and build a pit outside of the Yeti's cave entrance. I'm pretty sure one of the "spikes" used for the trap was a sharpened pencil that was shoved into the snow a few inches from the camera. They go in and SURPRISE! There's more than one Yeti! Both Yetis fall into the spike trap and the survivors narrowly avoid become Yeti food. They venture on, but quickly discover that one of the Yetis managed to survive the trap. These beasts must have the healing power of Wolverine because the surviving Yeti shows up with NO BLOOD on him anywhere! I'll talk more about that later.
After an avalanche and witnessing the Yeti rip a man's arm off and beat him with it, the survival total ends up being 4 people. They are miraculously spotted by a helicopter and rejoice. Of course, by this time the girl is stupidly in love with football man and the movie ends on them snogging in the snow. Ugh. The ending is an absolute hoot though. One of the survivors who was assumed to be dead (after being shot in the face with a flare gun) is actually alive! Not surprisingly, another Yeti nearby managed to as well. Tough luck, buddy.
Now, on to more specific topics!
The special effects are what you'd expect from a beginner student in animation. Most of the time, the Yeti was just a man in a suit. Obviously, they couldn't get a real Yeti but that doesn't excuse them for the awful costuming and makeup job. The costume looks like they glued grey cotton balls and grey hair clippings from a nearby barber on the thing! The mask around the eyes looks awful and unfinished. The makeup on the suit and mask is minimal and lacks any kind of contouring or variety. It's just a plan grey and white fuzzy suit and a bland grey mask. They must have only made two or three suits for the movie since they rarely change even after a bloody killing spree or a swan dive into some wobbly spikes. I'm guessing the guy in the suit couldn't run very well, so they put in Yeti animation for running scenes (of which the used the same scene twice). The Yetis' super jump animations were laughable at best. The plane flying was also animated poorly. It's like they went through clip art animations and used whatever was there.
The special effects for the "killings" weren't technically bad, but they were still pretty bad. For example, the heart in the comedic relief's death scene was larger than an actual heart should be. It came out cleanly with no arteries or anything attached to it. Just RIP and it was out. The fire on the burning rubble was the best animated object in the movie. That's pretty sad. Also, the camera guy could not stand still for anything. The camera was constantly bobbing around.
The music was nothing special. It tended to build up for dramatic effect at times when it didn't make any sense. The people are checking the luggage for supplies and the music makes you think that a Yeti's going to pop out of a suitcase or something. Another strange time for the intense music was when the screen showed a sunset. OH NO! NOT A SUNSET! I was waiting for a Yeti to come flying out and sucker punch the sun out of the sky. It would be more interesting that the rest of the movie.
One thing that really bugged me about this movie was the story progression. The characters spent half of the time arguing about whether they should stay put or try to walk to safety. I'm not joking. The other 30% was the characters arguing about eating the dead for survival. The football guy who was so intensely against eating the dead bodies was the one who volunteered to butcher them when he finally gave in. Another guy who was so insistent on eating the bodies was the person who was secretly hoarding chocolate bars. It really makes no sense at all!
Oh, the continuity! My favorite faux pas was the magic rabbit that turned into a cooked chicken. You think I jest? I jest not! The characters caught a rabbit for dinner, but when the camera focused on them cooking it, you can clearly see that they're cooking a chicken with wings. The Yeti pushed the plane off of a cliff that wasn't there in any earlier scenes. Blood on the Yetis' suits disappears SO many times it's disgusting. Football man completely ignores his frantic and vulnerable love interest several times. The cast repeatedly used big words like "fissure" for the cave entrance and "fuselage" for the plane. A man climbs ten feet up a wall and falls down about 30 feet to where he started climbing. A two day hike for the rescuers turned into a few hours hike after they'd rescued the survivors. The Yetis have GIANT footprints in the snow even though they're feet in the costumes are normal sized. The rescuers use Walmart binoculars to see to the end of their two day hike. The Yetis get woken up by a rescuer's radio going off after the rescuers said they were out of radio range. And last but not least: the guy who conveniently had a chain IN HIS PANTS.
Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon is one of those bad horror movies that you will never forget (even though you will want to). There is no aspect about this movie that is above par. The acting, the effects, and the plot are all bland but the sheer silliness of the whole thing is enough to have you rolling on the floor.
Would I ever watch it again?
HA, not yet-i.
I'd rather watch a dog poo dry.