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DIRECTOR: Emile Edwin Smith RELEASE DATE: January 28, 2014 RATING (US): NR
CAST: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Röhm, Matt Lagan et al.
// review by Emily

Jumping the shark at the title screen.

Are you looking for your next summer flick?
Do you want non-stop action dripping with hot, steamy romance?
Do you want to see epic battles between enormous, legendary monsters?

Well, you'll have to look MUCH further than this movie, because this movie certainly doesn't have any of those things!

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark is a movie about two giant sharks. That much is obvious. What isn't obvious is the fact that you barely get any action between these two. You could probably find more action backstage of the Miss Universe contest. This movie is as bland and uninteresting as a stale piece of bread in a buffet.

The story? A giant shark emerges from a melting iceberg and causes general havoc to some boats in the nearby harbors and oceans. Pretty much all the shark does is jump on a few boats, smack a few around with its tail, and all of a sudden the entire world has a bounty on its head. Who you gonna call? A random couple with a giant mechanical shark! No explanation of where the shark came from, it's just there. The U.S. Navy sends this dynamic duo to give the shark a boot out of reality and bring peace to the waters. However, the mean old sharky gets away, and the mechanical shark loses its nice guy hardwiring, going on an amphibious robot people-killing spree. Eventually, both sharks meet their explosive demise and the couple have "a lot of explaining to do". Yes, that's actually the last line of the movie.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty shall we? The acting stinks, the graphics are as much as you'd expect from a B-movie, and the story is almost nonexistent.

Sometimes, you might see a decent actor and wonder how they got roped into such a monstrosity of movie making. In this movie, you get none of that. No one in this movie seemed remotely interesting to listen to or watch. They were so dull that they couldn't hold my attention for five minutes straight. The lines were delivered like they had just read and memorized them the night before. There was no passion or drive in any of these actors. Sure, they tried to come off as intense and focused, but they only managed to be static and uninteresting.

I never expect much from horror B-movies when it comes to looks. I have to say that it wasn't as bad as some of the shark-themed movies I've seen. Sometimes, I was kind of impressed with what they managed to do with the megalodon animation. Otherwise, the graphics were cheap-looking and tacky at best. I have to admit, seeing both the Mega shark and the Mecha shark leap into the air after an airplane was hilarious to watch.

As for the story, I could barely manage to follow it at times. It just leapt from here to there like a cockroach on LSD in a frying pan. The movie would focus on the shark, then the movie, then the couple, then the couple's dead daughter, then the couple's smoking and drinking vices, then back to the Navy, then the havoc of the Mecha shark. It is a giant, jumbled mess. For the watchers, it was like a jigsaw puzzle of a story being thrown in the air and the filmmakers expecting them to see the whole picture. The thing that really earns my stamp of disapproval is the fact that the movie took itself SO seriously! They crammed the whole movie with this attempt at seriousness and intensity with some kind of dramatic backstory, but ultimately, it just failed at being interesting or unique. At least Sand Sharks put shark puns in! The only thing this movie put in was an enormous amount of "news footage" and long exposure crowd clips.

All in all, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark was a Mega Letdown. I was looking forward to at least enjoying a bad movie, but all I got was the fruitcake of B-movies. It had the potential to be a decent bad movie. All they needed to do was focus more on fewer aspects and just completely take out some of them. The man smoking, the woman drinking, and the random one-second focus on their deceased daughter didn't add anything to the story. To cut it short, less is more. Not more is more.

Unless it's more sharks. Put in more sharks.


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